Thinking of dating a single parent? Jada Pinkett-Smith has some advice for you. Mrs. Smith has been a pioneer for how to successfully blend a family. Married to megastar Will Smith for 17 years, the couple has two biological children, Willow and Jaden. However, her marriage to Smith was her first and his second. Trey Smith is Will’s first child with ex-wife Sheree. Many women have expressed reluctance to date a man with children because they fear experiencing “baby mama drama.” In an open letter response to her fans on Facebook, Jada shared that while it’s not always easy to blend a family, it’s more than worth it.
“Blended families are NEVER easy, but here’s why I don’t have a lot of sympathy for your situation because… we CHOOSE them. When I married Will, I knew Trey was part of the package…Period! If I didn’t want that…I needed to marry someone else. Then I learned if I am going to love Trey…I had to learn to love the most important person in the world to him…his mother. And the two of us may not have always LIKED each other… but we have learned to LOVE each other.”
One issue she brings up that is rarely addressed is the accountability that a woman much shoulder when choosing to date a man with children. There are plenty of anecdotal stories from friends, friends of friends, relatives and others who are in a troubled situations with the mother or father of their significant other’s child. They complain. They talk about how much they cannot stand the child’s mother and so forth. While some of those feelings are more than likely valid, overcoming them to create a stable environment for everyone involved should be the goal.
Pinkett-Smith continued to discuss how she and Will’s ex-wife handled their roles as parents and eventually became the de facto advocate for blended families done right. “I can’t support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls.”
That statement is powerful. In a situation where men usually have free reign to tell one story to the ex and an altogether different tale to the new woman, those who are secure in both themselves and their relationship fully support their man in forging, maintaining or strengthening a relationship with their children.
She goes on to say, “Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can’t say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT’S selfishness…NOT love. WOMAN UP… I’ve been there…I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date. It’s time you let your blended family make you the giant you truly are.”
Jada is right in that it is worth it. She also right that it’s easier said than done. All my life I have been hesitant to date a man with kids. In fact, my motto was that I wouldn’t date any man with kids. I love kids, but I’m not fond of exes at all. After a break up, it seems like it would be easier on both parties if they can move on, completely separate from one another. That is not the case when children are involved; nor should it be. While I never thought I’d date someone with kids, I did go against my motto a few years back. After much soul searching and a lot of questions, I found myself in a relationship with a single parent. Before jumping into a relationship with someone who is a parent, ask yourself the following:
1) Does your significant other have a healthy respect for his/her ex? Or does he/she usually never have a kind word about their ex? If you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t respect the mother or father of their children, then the negative relationship they have with them will carry over to you in a number of ways.
2) Is the relationship truly over? Needless to say, this is a big question that needs to be settled before you begin dating seriously. Since it is unrealistic to expect a complete severing of ties with the ex because they share kids, you have to be certain that the relationship is over. Like it or not, their ex will always be around.
Of course, there are other factors to consider. However, if you’re thinking about dating a parent, there is no better role model than Jada Pinkett-Smith.
