Kim Kardashian Divorce: How to Get to Day 73 of Wedded Bliss
By Nick Chiles
Kim Kardashian is about nothing if not helping others and giving back. Her mother Kris Jenner said so on “The Today Show.” So I know Kimmie would not want the pain she is enduring over her divorce to Kris Humphries to all be in vain. That is why I have decided to offer the public this checklist of marriage/relationship Do’s and Don’ts, inspired by Kim Kardashian wedding to and Kris. I haven’t checked with Kim, but I’m sure she would agree that if their suffering can save even one marriage, then it will all have been worth it. Kim and Kris would want couples to use this list to figure out how to make it to that magical 73rd day of marriage–couples who are trying hard to figure out what else is there to fight about when you have tens of millions of dollars in the bank.
The Kardashian-Humphries List of Marriage/Relationship Do’s and Don’ts:
If you are still searching for your Prince Charming, DO go out and get you a big butt. If you already have a big butt, DO wear as much skin-tight clothing as possible so that he will notice you (and it). If this doesn’t work, you can try posing naked for Playboy. If you still haven’t gotten his attention, make and distribute your own sex tape. Who knows–it might even get you your own reality TV show.
Please DON’T limit yourself to the NBA and the NFL when searching for a mate. There are plenty of terrific guys in the NHL and Major League Baseball. If you get desperate, you might even try an actor–though make sure he has had a blockbuster movie sometime in the past six months. Nobody ever lived happily ever after (or beyond 72 days) with a broke actor. (And please try to stay far away from any mediocre R&B singers whose entire career has been a long ride on his sister’s coattails.)
If you happen to be Prince Charming and are looking for your princess, DO try really, really hard to look past her big butt and pretty smile. (After all, Bell Biv Devoe told us that was “poison” like a million years ago.) Once you manage to do so, you might look around and ask, Okay, now what? Well, then you look for a sign of something that will come in handy later on–it’s called a personality. If she has one of those, you are well on your way to wedded bliss. And then, if you want to go for the jackpot, see if she is in possession of a trait that you might even find yourself relying on one day: intelligence. (Special note–If you find yourself asking why that last trait might be necessary, then I say this: You’re probably right, you don’t need it.)
When you have found your Prince Charming, DO take a few minutes to get to know him. Better yet, take a year or two. If it becomes apparent in a few months that every single person you know thinks the guy is a big, hairy A-hole, take this as a sign: He’s a big, hairy A-hole. This is not going to change after you send out fancy wedding invitations and he slips a million dollar ring on your finger.
Once you determine that your man is a big, hairy A-hole, DON’T ignore it. This is when you put on your boots and keep on walking. Otherwise you wake up one morning and find that the whole world is laughing at you. We understand that Kim didn’t listen to sister Khloe Kardashian when she in more ways than one hinted Kris wasn’t the one. Don’t let this happen to you.
Make sure that your man knows how to treat your family, especially your mother and father. If he’s a jerk to them, that’s a strong sign that eventually he’s going to be a jerk to you. If he’s a jerk to them even when he knows there are millions of people watching it all on television, run away from him as fast as you can.
Again, this list is intended as a public service. The hope is that it helps you get to that magical 73rd day of marriage. I sincerely pray it can save you from heartache and despair. Kim K would have wanted it that way.
Nick Chiles is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and a New York Times bestselling author.