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We’re heading into the summer, and my eighth grader is ready to take a break from his studies and hit the streets with his friends! Last night he asked, “Mom, can I go to Six Flags with my friends?” My son usually gets a “yes” from us for most of his outings once we get some basics out of the way, especially for things we know he really enjoys like the movies and Six Flags. Left to his own devices, it is the one place on Earth where he would spend all of his free time if we let him.
But a yes doesn’t always come easy when we consider who he’s going out with and where. He’s a dark-skinned 14-year-old who stands at nearly 6 feet tall (he checks every week) and weighs 170 pounds. He’s as playful and gregarious as ever with little sense of danger.
I began doing my usual rundown of questions such as “Who will be there?” “What time does the event start and end?” “How are you getting there?” and “How much will it cost?” If I’m not familiar with these friends (I’m usually the mom who knows the moms of my son’s closest friends), I probe deeper to better understand the relationship: “How close are you and these ‘friends’ of yours?”
How to Ask Your Child the Uncomfortable Questions About Race
The friend turned out to be a classmate from his honors science class. And she’s also inviting more friends to this outing. My son’s science class has one other Black student who happens to be female as well. Now, I must ask the quiet part out loud: “Is she white?” Without hesitation, he nonchalantly informed me that his friend was white and that she was inviting even more of her white friends to join them. Normally, our answer would be ‘yes’ once the responses to the basic lead-in questions were satisfied, but now I’m stuck with coming up with a reason to tell him “no.”
I’m the parent that only allows sleepovers at our home; my son has never spent the night at a friend’s home. But they’re welcome at our house. I even make them pancakes in the morning!
So imagine how paranoid I am about him visiting a theme park with hundreds of other people — mostly white people — and some sort of incident happens where he’s vulnerable with no allies. I’m all too aware of Black people getting too familiar with their white peers and ending up dead, harassed and/or bullied. Sure, having only Black friends doesn’t exempt him from that outcome, but it’s far easier to deal with and address for us as a family.
At this point, I’m racking my brain for a solution and need to buy myself some time. I told him I would get back to him after speaking with his father. Later that evening, I presented him with an offer that he was likely going to refuse. The only way he was going to be able to go on the outing is if one of his Black friends went too.
Does Giving Your Child an Ultimatum Help Them Understand the Lesson?
We would pay for her ticket, pick her up and drop them both off, so I could get a quick peek and wave at his group of friends. My son was more than opposed to the idea because his Black friend is from another school and isn’t friends with his white peers. After some back and forth of me explaining my rationale where I may have said a thing or two against white people, he walked away from the conversation mumbling “that’s so racist” under his breath while looking and feeling dejected and disappointed. Needless to say, he didn’t like the ultimatum he was given.
Somehow, I need to get my 14-year-old to understand that his father and I must be vigilant when it comes to his safety and well-being. As his parents, we must consider factors that may seem frivolous to him, but that could make the difference between life and death in an unexpected twist of events. He literally has a target on his back based on his size, skin color and gender. It’s not that we are walking around with a sense of impending doom, however, we do want to be careful and not set our son up for a situation that could go left quickly.
Should my son think I’m a racist because I don’t want him hanging out with his white friends solo? How can I achieve the goal of looking out for my son’s safety without coming off as though I’m discriminating?
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NOTE: This story has been edited for clarity and grammar.
