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About four years ago, I reconnected with an old friend (my current boyfriend) that I grew up with in Chicago. After dating for several months, we decided we wanted to take things to the next level. He presented me with the opportunity to move to West Palm Beach to live with him, his two boys, and his wife of 10 years.
Initially, I thought he had lost his whole mind, but after careful consideration, I decided to give it a try. I was laid off from my job and was in between marketing gigs when I decided to make the move with my daughter down South. Fast forward to 2023, and I’m pleasantly surprised to still be an active participant in a loving and fulfilling non-traditional relationship that includes myself, my boyfriend, his wife, their sons and my teenage daughter.
What comes to mind initially for most is that we’re having wild no-holds-barred sex when the kids go to bed – I’m not gonna lie, we know how to keep things spicy – but that hardly defines our relationship. His wife and I have our own special bond; often going out for private girls’ nights on the town and shopping together. Plus, neither of us works. We also throw huge parties where both extended families attend, travel together and binge shows as a family.
There’s more honesty and open communication than I’ve ever had in previous relationships and I couldn’t be happier. The bottom line is I’m spoiled by my boyfriend; we all are.
Prime example, he surprised my daughter for her Sweet 16 and bought her the car of her dreams, a Porsche Cayenne with personalized upholstery. My boyfriend is a successful entrepreneur in the Tech space. He’s a very busy man, but still makes time for all parties and showers us with monetary gifts to make up for the time he doesn’t have.
With respect to our very uncommon arrangement, especially as a Black family in Florida, I have decided to shield my daughter from the complexities of the relationship. While she’s used to getting what she asks for, she’s not privy to the inner workings of my relationship. Honestly, I’ve avoided the conversation altogether and primarily focus on keeping her happy. Plus, I don’t think she could comprehend it at her age, so I protect her from that part.
And so herein lies the rub. We’re only one week away from my daughter’s graduation party, and she has picked out a very expensive designer dress and shoes to wear. I have tried to catch him in between meetings, before bed, or at a moment when he’s not very stressed. No luck. I’ve got my daughter in my ear constantly urging me to check in with my boyfriend. I’m highly frustrated between the two of them.
But when it comes down to it, I know how to use my feminine charm to get what I want. And I think he enjoys the dance we do when I really want something. Some people may see it as controlling, but it’s part of what keeps our relationship exciting. Not once has he ever told me “no.”
Two nights ago, my daughter overheard a conversation between me and my partner as I asked for the graduation dress money. She heard him say, “You know what I like to hear,” before I responded, “Big daddy, can I pretty please have the money to buy my daughter’s graduation outfit? As the words were coming out of my mouth, I noticed my daughter was standing right outside the door.
It wasn’t a big deal to me because my boyfriend and I engage in playful banter all of the time, but my daughter is Ms. Independent until she wants something. Her motto is, if you love me, I should only have to ask once. And if you really, really love me you should know my needs before I say anything. In that moment, I was revealed as someone she loathes.
Needless to say, she thought my language was gross and felt embarrassed for me. This triggered feelings of shame, humiliation and guilt in me as I also praise her independent streak. It seems dramatic, but I felt naked in that moment. She caught me being vulnerable to the man that I love in a moment that was not supposed to be witnessed by anyone, and now I don’t know how to field the questions she has about what else I might be doing in order to accommodate our lifestyle.
As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I reflected on a time when I was single, free and raising my daughter on my own. Now that we’re being taken care of by my boyfriend, I enjoy using my femininity to reciprocate his love and the life he’s provided for us. But now I’m drowning with worry about what effect this will have on my daughter and her own future relationships with men and money. Am I doing my daughter a disservice by remaining in this relationship or should I help her better understand the complexities of our arrangement?
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NOTE: This story has been edited for clarity and grammar.
Here’s What Readers Had to Say:
Instagram user thaybaebee: Hmmm… complex situation and I have questions as you say she doesn’t know the dynamics of the relationship you are in. Who does she think the wife and her two sons are? Do you all live in the same household? Judging by what was shared, of how you are secure and feel safe in the relationship, I believe honesty is the best policy here. You need to give her the truth and answer any questions she may have truthfully. Also, that mentality of “daughter should only have to ask once” comes off as a little entitled. Also if you are comfortable with being submissive to your bf and it works for you guys, I wouldn’t worry too much about how she may think. Sometimes, we as parents often avoid our own happiness to appease our kids, and we end up miserable. Now. I don’t know them personally. I’m only judging by what was shared.
Jamal Bradley: Better to be a 2nd wife with a responsible man than to be laying up with a bum or live life single forever. He’s clearly assisting her financially, and she’s comfortable in the social space. If he’s showing responsibility to her financially and emotionally, she shouldn’t give that up because of how some people in society view it.
Alison: Make sure you emphasize to your daughter the most important factor in your relationship: that you are happy and your boyfriend loves and respects you at all times.
Sixteen-year-olds can differ greatly in maturity and understanding of the real world, so I can’t speak to what your daughter understands. But from what you’ve said, she reminds me a lot of myself at that age. I was also an avid feminist, Miss Independent, very smart and uncompromising in my beliefs. But then I grew up and had to actually become independent. I am still a (Black) feminist and encourage financial independence in women, but now I am more sympathetic to the different choices women make, especially to provide stability for themselves and their families.
I don’t know what kind of financial situation you were in before you started dating your boyfriend, but it sounds like you and your daughter benefited greatly from your new partnership. If she continues to be judgmental of you, I would start to spell out to her what your lifestyle would be like back in Chicago without your boyfriend.
Explain to her what your housing situation would be like, the hours you’d have to work to provide and the lack of quality time you’d have with her as a single working mom. Explain to her what car she would have instead of her Porsche (if she’d have a car at all) and what her college options might be and the debt she’d go into (if college would even be an option).
Again I don’t know your lifestyle before, so this may not apply to you. But I would mention to her that even though relationships should not be blindly motivated by finances, everything she enjoys in her new lifestyle, from her material gifts to her future opportunities, is because you and your boyfriend are together.
And to that point, assuming you are completely happy, make sure that your daughter is happy with her new situation and blended family. It is a scary conversation to have but talk with her when the timing is right to make sure she has never been sexualized or abused by your boyfriend or his wife and sons. Be prepared to hear something you may not like. I hope that is not the case but always check. Because contrary to how positively your story has turned out, make sure you both realize your situation is rare. This is a very important conversation the two of you need to have.
Let her know that many women that rely solely on a man for support will be taken advantage of. They will lose freedoms and make certain sacrifices (like you have). The key is that you are OK with the sacrifices you have made, and you feel fully in control of your life. Along with this, let her know that for any woman in a situation like this, a backup plan is essential. Let her know what financial assets you have and the family and friends who will support the two of you if you and your boyfriend separate. And if this isn’t something you’ve thought about for yourself, now is the time.
Because while designer dresses and luxury cars are nice, the most important thing I would be worried about for a 16-year-old is college expenses and how they will be paid. Assuming this isn’t a conversation you’ve already had with your boyfriend, talk with him about preparing to send her off to school and try to ask him if he would be helping to cover those costs.
You would be surprised at how many wealthy men seem to draw the line at college for kids that are not their own. If for some reason college won’t be your daughter’s path, encourage her to start thinking now about what would want to do. See if you can get him to use his tech business connections to get her an apprenticeship or job right out of high school. Because realistically, while he may continue to support her for the remainder of your relationship, it would be hard to imagine him supporting a 25 or 30-year-old with no job, even if he once treated her like a daughter. While I am happy you were able to obtain a luxury lifestyle without working, it would be a waste if your daughter were left high and dry at 18.
