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Black Women May Need to Change Their Perspective When Dating a Black Man Going Through Hard Times

wp_couple_loveFrom a very young age, Black men are typically given a traditional set of roles they are expected to take on in a relationship. Perhaps two of the most emphasized of these roles are the protector and the provider.

Unfortunately, the sheer necessity of the Black Lives Matter movement is a reminder that it can be increasingly difficult for Black men today to fulfill these roles in the traditional sense.

How can one be a provider for his partner and family when he is suddenly placed in a position where it has become difficult to even protect himself?

How can he hold onto his aspirations of being a provider for his family when racially biased hiring practices and a corrupt justice system are leaving Black men even further disadvantaged economically?

All the while, Black women are making incredible strides on both a collegiate and economic level.

This is not to suggest that Black women are not also facing the disadvantages that come from years of oppression and systemic racism, but rather that there is a general perception that Black women are becoming more and more independent just as many Black men are starting to feel more vulnerable.

“Black women are beginning to feel more powerful and independent than ever before, making serious gains in higher education attainment and entering the workforce at unprecedented rates,” Clutch Magazine’s Tiffanie Drayton explains. “Black men, however, are increasingly facing the harsh realities of mass-incarceration and the sky-high unemployment rates that have disallowed them access to the typical ‘masculine’ roles — leaving then vulnerable and confused.”

This shift is one that can cause confusion and stress in a relationship, but Drayton explains that there are certain tips Black women should always remember when they find themselves in a relationship with a strong man who happens to be going through hard times.

The foundation of the advice comes from one of the golden rules to having a successful relationship — patience.

“Life isn’t easy and no one ever said it would be,” Drayton adds. “…We are battling ideals that have been ingrained and reinforced since childhood by society and tons of financial/economic/social obstacles, they will not disappear just because we think they should.”

So despite the strength that a man may have and the desire that burns within him to always protect and provide, there are times when he is not always able to be the knight in shining armor that he was taught to be. The key thing to remember is that many times that feeling alone is taking a mental toll on the noble knight.

There is no need to angrily address financial woes or cast blame on him if he is, in fact, trying his best in the relationship.

This is perhaps what makes Drayton’s tip about expectations so important.

“Today, we are dealing with a unique circumstance where we have to try to separate what we need from what we have been socialized to expect,” she writes. “Though [every woman] wants to be treated with love and respect; love and respect can look quite different than it did in the Disney movies and love stories we grew up entertaining.”

Have a conversation about what you really need your partner to provide and in what ways you truly need protection.

This is important because it lets a man know that his job is not limited by preconceived gender roles of “bringing home the bacon.”

Even in the midst of economic struggles or rigorous job hunts, he can still serve as the provider of emotional support and give the woman he loves the sense of security she has longed for.

While she also insists that boundaries and limitations are put in place, it’s important that your breaking point is based on his efforts as a partner in the relationship and not based on his current circumstances.

In our fantastical journeys to find the Jay-Z to our Beyonce or the Barack to our Michelle, it can be easy to forget that at one point even these great men faced hardships and struggles. Every person does.

It’s the effort to remove himself from troubling circumstances that is key.

After all, that’s when you may discover how much of a fighter your partner really is.

The tenacity to fight back and create an economic empire in the midst of a racially biased country takes the type of courage and strength that only the most honorable of knights may possess.

In the midst of the battle to improve his own life, as well as yours, he may just need a beautiful partner who can help him truly understand that although he’s up against an ancient beast, he can still come out victorious.

All the while, a woman must remember that the “key to a successful relationship is mutual benefit.” Even without financial stability or while dealing with personal hardships, it’s still very possible for a man to serve as a positive part of a woman’s life. If he is no longer able to provide that in the relationship, however, it may be time for both parties to move on.

Other tips from Drayton include always showing respect for your partner and being open to redefining what a “man’s role” should be.

This is by no means a call for women to lower their standards, but it’s simply a reminder that not every depiction of a genuinely happy Black family will look like the Huxtables.

What people are saying

28 thoughts on “Black Women May Need to Change Their Perspective When Dating a Black Man Going Through Hard Times

  1. Jack Foobar says:

    I don't see anything here that is true. Your race is already circling the drain. Why are you making it worse with bullsht?

  2. If I read another article on why we need to coddle "the precious" I think I might vomit. Stop it already.

  3. ::Yawn:: This nonsense again?

  4. So what's stopping black men from pursuing careers and education the same as black women???? This article makes black men seem like helpless children.

  5. Eva Keane says:

    Can someone pass me another brick to place on the black women's neck? I don't think she has enough to deal with yet.

  6. Brenda Young says:

    Oh please with this mess? I don't have to do anything of the sort nor did I. I am certainly not going to advise any black women to set the bar near to the ground just to help a brotha out. There are too many options out there when it comes to men.

  7. THIS is some BS right? OMG ANOTHER excuse to placate and pacify fuckery… MAN up and be MEN EVERY other race can do it IN SPITE of the systematic system of the OPPRESSER so why can't we…BLACK women are blamed for EVERYTHING hell I am sure we will be blamed for the [email protected]!

  8. That's a question I've been asking myself for decades. The victim and blame game narrative just doesn't work for me, when I know there are several opportunities available.

  9. Please stop, it's getting old fast.

  10. Black men could become better at building businesses for themselves, but many are denied business loans and education loans due to old criminal histories. Furthermore, Black women expect that Black men to be hired by White men. Sought of like Football. There has been an all out assault on Black males. Pipeline-to-prison. 1.5 million young Black males are in prison. Black families are becoming obsolete. Who is going to produce the next future Black men. Black women have given in to the White mans world. Strong Black women are the new replacement for Strong Black families. They now have women dating women and Men dating men. If Black men don't add up, in which a lot are trying to, who's going to produce the next generation of Black families. Black women have given up on Black men, that's why they mind if he's killed off or placed in jail. Education doesn't make the Black man free. Land and Entrepreneurship makes him free. However, Black women don't want or support this paradigm. Something to thing about before we lose another generation.

  11. Please read the above. Our women have been trained to kill off the same Black man who gave her birth. How do you crush the Black man. Take him, destroy his seed, rape his woman and impregnate her, economically castrate him, destroy his spirit to live.

  12. Please read the above. Our women have been trained to kill off the same Black man who gave her birth. How do you crush the Black man. Take him, destroy his seed, rape his woman and impregnate her, economically castrate him, destroy his spirit to live.

  13. Use rap and hip hop to continue Genocide!

  14. Kay Mcleod says:

    Geralynn Prince The first line is a lie. BM reared to be providers…What a laugh.

  15. Sailor Brown says:

    Seriously? Who sits and comes up with this stuff? We all deal with prejudice. What happened to sucking it up and charging forward. You can't just stick your head in the sand and say it's because "the white man doesn't like me."

  16. Eva Keane says:

    "Black women don't want or support us"…."the white man wont allow us loans or education"…"black children wont let us parent them"……"black grandmothers didn't protect the black man"…….and finally "daffy duck wont let me build his house".

  17. Black men are NOT reared to be providers. If that were so then the African American out of wedlock birthrate 72 percent. Black women should not have to dim their light for men who can't compete. Black men need to learn to stand on their own and learn how to build communities and go toe to toe with men of other races. It's not black women's jobs to hold up black men. If Black women can face racism and sexism, both by society at large and by our own black community, and still make great strides,
    then what excuse do black men have?

  18. Black men are coddled like children yet wonder why they cannot compete with other groups of men.

  19. Dr. Joy DeGruy – Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome: http://youtu.be/MH7tpAK8APY
    Eva watch this and you will understand everything. Black men are responsible for what's going on today. However, Some Black women are responsible for believing in a system that's natural opposed to you and your seed.

  20. I don't get it. White women support the white man and his business. Black women are now dependent on the white mans business to support them, their schools, everything. But holding up Black men is also about supporting his business. That's just logical. Otherwise, we are going to lose another generation of young Black boys. It's not about placing blame, but a system that is diametrical oppose to seeing successful Black men. Look at the juvenile system. 6000 Black youth incarcerated, Black foster children make the majority of the children in the system, but we shouldn't be holding up Black men or supporting Black men. So, I guess they can go on shooting Black children right?

  21. Rhonda Davis says:

    Or, just do what I do. Don't date black men!

  22. Vonmiwi Culvera our goal is to keep the black men down through school suspension, poor education, incarceration and what ever tools we have available. Black women with careers will get pregnant with a fatherless child. That should take care of the her progress over time when her son is either killed or end up in jail.

  23. Eva Keane my race will make you manless.

  24. That article is such bullshit. Cause I'm a black man and I've been through many hard times in my life, some rough stuff, oh yeah. But I also made certain choices from day one to work hard, fight through the many adversities that life has thrown my way, even now, but I never went out and committed crime, used drugs, made babies I can't provide for, or been a career criminal. Because I'm not an idiot. I have always known that none of that would make my life better. I have yet to see one person make life better for themselves by committing crime. I seen countless people try it and fail miserably. I've seen a lot of people go in and out of jail their whole life

  25. I've Seen many people lives go to shit as a result of crime and drugs. I've seen guys who end up depressed and sad because they can't get a job do to a felony which makes nonsense to me. That's your own fault, cause if you go out and break the law and commit the crime, you do the time. Life is about choices. About hard times for a black man is bullshit cause I'm black and a man because of that I know the struggles and adversities that black men in this country face. I never grew up in the ghetto, I was never poor growing up, I had a good life as a kid I never wanted for nothing, but I have experienced white supremacy and racism. I've bern harassed by cops many times on the strength of being a black man. I've been confronted with subtle racism on many occasions, I've seen police deal with my peers who look like me in the same fashion. I see subtle racism all the time. But I also understand choices and personal responsibility. Is there injustice in our workforce and our criminal justice: absolutely yes. Cause regardless of social or economic status, religion or occupation, all black men in America are being targeted like never before. I got plenty stories of my own on that. But we still got choices, and as black men we have to carry ourselves with good common sense and serpent like wisdom in order to survive this battlefield of systematic white supremacy and racism and guess what? The field is infested with land minds and one false move can very well be lights out forever. Cause it's so many pitfalls out here for brothers it's unbelievable. From child support to drivers license, to Driving while black, to fit the description of a suspect, and from police brutality to wrongful imprisonment. You name it. Being a black man is walking in a sniper's scope, cause you are targeted everyday whether you know it or not. But that doesn't exempt a brother from not being a protector and provider and a positive force for change in the black community and in our whole society overall. No excuses black man. Man up and do what it takes. If you stay strong and never throw in the towel and make the choices and do the right thing, then you will be successful in time, I know this because I've lived it. Peace.

  26. So the stuggle is fair. It is not only women but men as well. Whatever truth therein I hopemthat wont hinder any success for both. Please let me share this very funny stuff called the new fake ultrasound design from fakeababy. It is very funny I swear!

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