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Can ‘Straight’ Men and Women Be Just Friends?

by Azadeh Aalai, Ph.D.

Ever since the movie When Harry Met Sally, heterosexual men and women have pondered this fundamental question: Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex? Oftentimes, the answer you get may depend on who you ask.

Women are inclined to respond with a hearty yes! We can rattle off a list of who we perceive to be our platonic male friends to back up our assertions. Males, however, appear to endorse an emphatic no, as their female friendships may reflect default relationships that developed in spite of or instead of romantic aspirations they may have had with those very same women. In fact, one male source shared with me that he would be happy to ruin a number of his friendships with the women in his life by having sex with them. Similarly, when posing the question to a female source, she gave an emphatic no, with the disclaimer of, “unless he is gay!”

Can it really be this simple, though? Do males have ulterior motives when they befriend women? Certainly the flip is also true: women may forge relationships with males in the hopes of the interaction escalating to romance. This, of course, also brings up dicey complications for individuals who are coupled, but still aspire to maintain their friendships with opposite sex pals.

Will one’s spouse or partner view those friendships with suspicion? Is it inappropriate as a single woman to be friends with married men, or vice versa?

It can’t all just be about sex, can it? For instance, the interpersonal attraction literature has documented for some time that both males and females appear to rate higher their friendships with other females. Friendships with women are oftentimes identified as being more intimate and accepting and less competitive, particularly in comparison to how men view friendships with other men. So there is something other than just romance that males, in particular, are gaining from their opposite sex friendships. So does that mean we can legitimately be friends?

Recently published research may shed some light on this subject. And in fact, it appears to lend credence to what we would expect: namely, when asked about their friendships, men report greater sexual attraction to their female friends than females report regarding their male friends. Additionally, it appears that males overestimate how attracted to them their female friends actually are. In other words, males are projecting their sexual attraction on to their female friends. So maybe it is a little naive of us females who think that our male friends couldn’t possibly like us like that …

Read more: PsychologyToday

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