Recently, I made a resolution to break up with someone. Well, we weren’t technically together. He said we were dating, but our relationship didn’t exactly fit the definition. He was friendly, funny and fine, but beyond that, I didn’t think we had much in common. And for the first time, I lowered my expectations to avoid loneliness during the holidays. My friends encouraged me to “keep it casual” and “have fun”. After all, this was one of the first people I went out with after breaking up with my daughter’s dad. I followed their advice for the first few weeks, but as time ticked on, I started to set expectations and seek substance. It’s hard to “keep it casual” when humans and feelings are involved. I didn’t see this man as “marriage material,” but I still expected him to act like a future husband or perhaps just a boyfriend.
I know relationships develop overtime. Nonetheless, I wanted him to be something, someone he wasn’t. I wanted more than what he could give. And that wasn’t fair for either of us. So I told him I didn’t think we should pursue anything further. He said he was sorry I felt that way and wished me good luck–but not in a do well way, rather a good luck searching for someone in the club way. There are a lot more details to the story, but I won’t reveal too much information, because like I said, he is a cool person. He’s just not the person for me. In a reflective New Year’s Eve mood, I came up with dating resolutions to lead to marriage. I didn’t write a long list of what I was doing wrong as that could lead to depression,,, not empowerment. Instead, I focused on what I was doing right. We often look for a potential mate to possess a long list of qualities when we should first look within to make sure we’re marriage material.
1. Become Spiritually Strong
Most of my friends and family members who have strong marriages also have strong spiritual foundations. God is at the center of their union, which anchors their marriage when a storm hits. Having a close relationship with God allows me to have close relationships with others. When I pray or study scriptures, I am more patient, more loving and more kind. Until I meet my mate, I can strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I can turn to the Bible instead of society to determine what marriage means and trust God to deliver a mate.
2. Heal From Past Heartbreaks
After my daughter’s dad dumped me, I didn’t date anyone for a year and a half. I needed that time to heal from heartache, learn from mistakes and move on mentally. I refuse to take baggage packed with anger or envy into a new relationship. Also, I analyzed my other relationships. What went wrong? What went right? What did I learn from my experiences? What qualities do I want in a significant other? What won’t I tolerate? Although people don’t usually change, they can improve. Yes, some things are personality traits, habits you’ve developed over the years. But if you examine yourself, there may be negative behaviors you can work on.
Read more: Heather Hopson, Black and Married With Kids
