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Committed Relationships: Values Bind Us Better Than Feelings

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People who act on their feelings more than their values will fail at committed relationships, simply because no one feels like remaining true to their values most of the time.

To make matters worse, intimate partners inevitably blame the guilt and shame of violating their values on each other:

“I can’t be the real me – loving, friendly, compassionate, supportive, sexy, and fair – while you’re being you!”

Blame makes them powerless over themselves and controlling or coercive in the relationship. Acting on their deepest values would make them feel authentic and, over the long run, afford them a more empowered and compassionate love.

You will likely love better and improve your relationship by forgetting about how you feel!

Try this as an experiment for at least a month: Put your feelings about your relationship on the back burner and dedicate all efforts to strengthening the power love values listed below. If you and your partner make a sincere effort to enhance power love values, you should find, after a month or so, that you actually feel more love for each other.

The following candidates for power love values are supported by research on characteristics of long-term relationships, wherein both partners report high levels of satisfaction.

Equality: Rights, preferences, and responsibilities are more or less equal. Neither has authority over the other.

Fairness: Partners maintain mutually acceptable division of labor and responsibility for the growth and well-being of the family.

Friendship/support: Partners confide in each other and are “there” for one another.

Loving behavior: Partners are compassionate, showing care and desire to help when one is distressed, hurt, or in need of help. They engage in mutually satisfying physical affection, sexual passion, and meaningful or enjoyable activities.

Power love values are conspicuously hierarchical; it is difficult to strengthen friendship, support, and loving behavior when there are perceptions of inequality or unfairness. The first step in improving a relationship should be establishing equality and fairness.

Read more: Steven Stosny, Psychology Today

 

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