Have you ever been the victim of a dating fitness test?
They’re also known as “congruence tests” and, more colloquially, “sh*t tests.” It pertains to instances when people challenge or make certain remarks during the first few dates to test behavioral patterns and traits in the people they’re dating.
That’s exactly what one woman said happened to her on a first date, which got some heavy traction on one Reddit board.
The woman, identified by her Reddit username u/GivemethatIwantitnow, wrote about blocking a man she felt was playing games with the bill on their first date.
The story starts with her date asking what her favorite restaurant is as a potential place to visit for their first outing. She told him but also provided a disclaimer that the restaurant is pricey, and she only goes there on special occasions. She also listed some cost-effective options to remove the pressure of going somewhere with a steep price tag.
“For me first dates are usually inexpensive, considering you don’t know the person and the conversation is much more important than the meal,” she wrote.
After her date browsed the menu, he made the decision to take her to that restaurant.
Fast-forward to the actual date. She said, “We have apps. We have drinks. We have dinner. We have conversation. We have dessert. We have a good time (from my perspective). This means we ran up a serious bill.”
Next thing you know, the check comes. When the waitress asks if they want one check or two, the pair say simultaneously that they’ll take separate checks. The woman noted that she doesn’t mind going Dutch on first dates.
“So our separate checks come, no problem by me. I put my card down, he puts his down. When our server comes back to grab them, he takes my card, gives her both the checks, says he’d covering it all, LOOKS AT MY CARD INTENSELY,” she wrote.
That’s when she figured she was being tested to see if she would split the bill.
“It was the game he played! He invited me on a date so I assumed he was paying. He then said separate checks, making sure I knew I was paying for myself. Then he grabbed the checks and paid it all (annoying the server and me),” she wrote.
“I’m feeling like this was a shit test to see if I would pony up to a $250+ each restaurant bill. I felt like he was checking to see if I was a golddigger or something, even though I’d literally told him we shouldn’t go there the first date. The place I suggested we could’ve had tacos and tequila flights for less than $50.”
Once he paid, she thanked him, called an Uber, then blocked him immediately after leaving the restaurant.
The woman posted the events of the date to the r/AITAH board for netizens of Reddit to gauge if her response to the situation was warranted. Although she recounted the story to a friend who humorously called her the “villain,” numerous users agreed with her assessment of her date’s actions.
“He sh*t-tested you. He saw that on YouTube…… as many other men these days (I’m male, don’t hate me for saying this.),” one user wrote.
“There is nothing wrong with telling him your favorite restaurant. There is nothing wrong with how much it costs. You showed you were in no way a gold digger trying to get him to pay for an expensive meal when you said you shouldn’t go to that restaurant and again when you offered to pay,” user Bekindalot commented in support.
“I don’t tolerate “tests” in relationships. The manipulation never stops, and there’s always another test,” user 4channeling said.
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz posted on her blog that if someone’s conducting dating fitness tests, it indicates that they’re “afraid, insecure, and mistrustful” in gathering information on a partner over time.
“So I can’t speak to how other people handle things, but as a direct communicator, I’d come out and say it. ‘Hey, I’m getting the sense that you’re “testing” me. Do you want to tell me about issues you’ve had in the past?”Katz wrote.