Imagine the following scenario. One member of a committed couple arrives home 45 minutes late. The other member of the couple, who spent hours preparing a nice meal, feels unappreciated and angrily snaps, “Why are you so late?”
This seems like an attack to the other mate, who is feeling hungry, angry and tired after being laid off that day due to the financial crisis, and who responds, “Why are you always nagging?”
As you can well imagine, the verbal and emotional interchange between them becomes progressively more negative and stressful. They love each other, but they both have reacted reflexively in ways that are toxic to the relationship.
Whereas the above scenario is a single incident that can be repaired, couples frequently make this kind of automatic reflexive reacting their main form of interacting.
One of the most common habits detrimental to harmonious intimate relationships is saying things in the heat of an argument that you later regret. Many couples habitually, say or do things that poison their relationships. As Jon Carlson, a seasoned couple therapist says, they are “spitting in their own soup”.
When I ask clients who come for couple therapy why they react reflexively without thinking about the consequences, they often reply “He (or she) must learn the truth about their bad behaviour.” Yet when I ask if they use this strategy with their boss at work, most will admit that they do not. But they argue that with one’s mate it is absolutely necessary to be truthful; the truth being what that person is thinking at that moment. Of course, honesty is an important ingredient in a marriage, but automatically responding with whatever comes into your mind during a disagreement is not honesty. It can be a recipe for disaster.
Couples, who have no serious difficulties such as infidelity or mental illness in one partner, allow their maladaptive habit of acting reflexively to destroy their relationship. Reflective responding is absolutely necessary to negotiate and resolve the many complex differences that arise in all relationships. The objective here is to discuss strategies to improve your ability to respond reflectively, that is, thoughtfully, even in high stress situations, whether it be with your mate, a friend or someone at work.
There are two basic ways humans interact with each other.
Reflexive Reacting
You are responding reflexively when your hand touches a hot stove and you quickly pull it back. You don’t have to think about doing it, it just happens automatically and with great speed. Such reflex actions protect us from injury or even death. However, in a modern complex society acting reflexively, in many situations, can cause a lot of trouble.
Reflective Responding
Humans are highly social animals and we have to learn how to act reflectively — thoughtfully — in our social group and in our intimate relationships. If we act automatically without reflecting on the social consequences of our actions, we are likely to be ostracized by our social groups or rejected by our mates.
Read more: Dr. Brian Scott, Psychology Matters
